Embracing Change

Today, I was made aware of an obsession I have. It was a self awareness, but an awareness none the less. You see, after having my daughter 15 months ago, I began an unhealthy obsession with my weight.

Weight was the only thing I talked about. Weight loss was the only thing on my mind. Every time my stomach growled, I furrowed my brow in anger and frustration. Things had finally gotten to the point that I was taking photographs of myself in the mirror, and asking my friends if they thought I "looked fat" in them. Of course, I know some women are like that and are just seeking encouragement from their friends, but that wasn't why I was doing it. I felt I needed validation. I needed to know that I was losing some weight, even if it was just enough to be noticeable. I desperately needed to hear people tell me that I was looking a lot thinner. What no one knew, was in those pictures most of the time I was holding in my stomach. Recently, I quit doing that and a few of my friends got the honor of seeing what was left of my "mom" stomach in all it's glory.

As much as I hate to admit it, all of 2009 was spent with me obsessing over my weight gain, and loss after my first successful pregnancy. The added stress of a move to a new city, a husband needed to find new work, and moving back in with my father in law, made it seem easy to lose weight. Unfortunately, I wasn't going about it in a healthy manner at all.

The first week after my daughter was born I lost 30 pounds of pure water weight. I had been on bedrest for pre-eclampsya and high blood pressure, and had swelled to a grand total of 262 pounds. I was excited that the first thirty pounds just melted off of me, but I knew that I had to lose another 40 pounds before I would be my pre-pregnancy weight. Over the following 8 months, I did in fact lose that last forty pounds, by not eating. I rarely, if ever worked out. I cried when I looked into the mirror and saw the same person I once was staring back at me with that fresh new 'mom tummy.' I even bought clothes two sizes too big, even after having lost weight just so that I could hide what was left over.

I feel like I'm learning to love myself all over again, in a completly new way. I was shocked and taken aback by just how easy it was for me to slip into an unhealthy weight loss pattern. Stop eating. Get thin. Begin eating. Get fat. Repeat.

A few days before Christmas day (2009), I had a realization. I looked at myself in the mirror, dead on and began chanting to myself. I realized that I needed to work on who I was as a person, not only physically but also mentally and emotionally. I learned that I needed to be okay with myself based on my personality and not my looks. Most importantly, I learned that I was on a slippery slope heading no where fast-if I didn't get myself under control.

So once again, I looked into the mirror and I chanted to myself. If you're wondering what it was I said, I couldn't tell you. I know that I was telling myself only positive things, and I know that I forced myself to go out into public wearing a shirt that fit me, rather than throwing a hoodie on over it or wearing a shirt far too large on me. (To you that may sound like a small step, but isn't that what we all need to start with, baby steps?)

And now, on this day, I look down at the necklace my husband gave me for Christmas that reads "Embrace Change," and I smile, not only at how well he knows me, but at how much strength I know I have. I smile because I am trying now to develop an addiction to exercise rather than anorexia. I am trying to battle who I don't want to be, and let the real person shine through from within. I'm trying to Embrace Change.

This is my story. Day one.