That Pesky Little Two...

So, the last 2 days I have weighed myself I am just over 200 again. I am irritated at myself for gaining that 2 pounds back, but I don't know what I did wrong. Yes, I do...I won't lie. I keep skipping breakfast. I haven't eaten it in a week solid. I never feel like it, but I need to kick my own ass and feed myself when I feed the baby. I sit there and literally watch her eat, and yet I don't eat. It makes no sense.

I got a few apple slices yesterday and some more of my favorite 100 calorie caramel parfaits that I love so much. They satisfy my sweet tooth, without killing my diet progress for the day. I also got some more Dasani water. Seriously, I can't live without that stuff anymore.

So, the pesky two. There it is again... 200.2 lbs. That is just too high of a number for my liking. BEFORE I had my daughter I weighed 195 pounds. Yes, it sounds like a lot. In reality I wasn't fat. No, seriously! I look back now and think that I should be angry with myself for thinking I was fat when I wasn't. Okay, honestly I AM mad that I wasted tons of years thinking I was fat when I wasn't. Now I think to myself, if I thought I was fat then, what must I look like now? But-yesterday my husband pointed something out to me. As we were leaving Applebee's, I looked at myself in the windows as we walked by and remarked about my weight. He stopped, looked at me, and said, "When you look at yourself every day, criticize yourself every day, and weigh yourself every day, Im sure it gets hard to tell what you really look like."

In light of what my dear husband said, I decided he was right. That's why I like to photo blog so much. I try my best not to suck in, or hide my stretch marks, and I just let all of you blog readers out there see a side of me that I don't much care for. But, do you know what? When I go back and compare photos from week to week, I can SEE the difference that I miss every day in the mirror.

For example, when I did my cardio wii workout, i lost four inches off my waist. FOUR. I didn't notice at all, but my friends did, and my blog readers did. I eventually looked at my photos and realized I did look like my waist had gotten thinner! I also realized that while I'm trying to look thinner and healthier, my posture has improved.

Yesterday, was a big stepping stone for me. I am very insecure about my weight. So insecure in fact, that I haven't left the house without a jacket, hoodie, leather coat, giant purse, or layers of clothing hiding my belly in months. It had literally been probably six or seven months since I didn't find an outfit that I liked, work hard to look extra sexy in it, and then throw a hoodie or coat over it to "hide" my belly. For yesterdays lunch date I simply decided to ignore that urge. I felt naked. I felt strange. I felt like I had nothing to hide behind, and everyone was staring. I felt like I needed to rip my husbands green hoodie off his body and put it on, even though it was two sizes too big for me. I needed to hide, fast! So, I pulled my pants up to my chest, sunk down in the booth, and waited.

What was I waiting for? Some magic solution where my pants were way too big, and my hips were way too small? Who knows. After our appetizer came and went, I decided that I needed to just buck up and deal with my appearance. I put my pants back down at hip level, pulled my shirt down where it needed to go, sat up straight, and enjoyed my date with my husband. We ended up having such a good time, that I forgot about my weight until we got up to leave. Even still, I saw people bigger than me who weren't' stressing, so why should I? I am proud of the progress I've made, and while I fear regressing...I need to learn to love myself again.

My life shouldn't be spent hiding behind Aeropostale hoodies, pajama pants, and oversized jackets. I want to wake up in the morning, throw on jeans and a tshirt, put on my Vans, and be ready for the day. I am tired of spending my life in pajamas, lounge wear, and sweats. I am tired of putting on jeans only to go out, come home, and put pajamas right back on. Most of all, I'm tired of being uncomfortable in everything I put on because it's too short, and I'm too puffy. I am going to take the next week or so and try to remind myself why I am beautiful, and NOT list any reasons regarding to weight. You are welcome to help chip in with that list. -wink- wink!!

Peace, Love, and Bedtime.
Sarah V.