I'm Obsessing...

I'm obsessing and that's not a good thing. I get on this kick every now and again where I have to obsess over whatever goal it is I'm trying to achieve. I have been doing a really good job of staying off the scale. I took some new pictures of myself and thought that I was looking pretty good...and then, the mail came.

You see, last week I ordered online from Victorias Secret. It was the first time in my entire life I'd ever ordered or bought anything from them. I got the cutest underwear I'd ever seen, and I was nervous about it fitting. When It got here today, I excitedly and nervously tore into the packaging. I went into the bathroom to try one one of the five pairs I'd ordered. Surprise! They fit. I was excited, but only for a moment. The lacey top suddenly crept down slowly. Down it went, further and further until it had rolled beneath the crease of my post baby belly. Suddenly, I didn't feel so good about myself.

I got online today, and before I had even realized it an hour had passed. I had been on google typing in things like "post baby belly" or "saggy stomachs." I was researching and reading about what people did to get rid of this nasty dilemma. Do I look good with my clothes on? Sometimes. Am I getting more comfortable about myself while I'm wearing clothes? Hell yes. Am I comfortable while I'm naked? ...no, I want to grab the covers, wrap myself up like a burrito, crawl into the closet, and cry for days.

I stood in front of the mirror wearing my new favorite pink tank top, a green jacket, and my mom jeans that give me a saggy ass. I thought about how much better I was looking, and how good it felt to be 198 pounds again. I looked at my boobs in their push up bra that gave me back fat which I hid with a green zip front hoodie. I looked at my hips that had jeans pulled high over them to divert attention from the muffin top that could creep down at any minute. I had on dark, straight legged jeans to hide my big thighs. Then, it dawned on me. I'm HIDING in my clothes. I am not who I want to be, and I have to do something to change that. So, I put my plain white boring mom bra back on that offers full coverage, but is certainly not pretty. It doesn't give me back boobs either, so that's a plus. I took off my tank top, my hoodie, my push up bra, and got back into my regular clothes. The mom jeans had to stay, because they're the only jeans I've got that fit me right. So here I am in a Grey Tennessee t-shirt, with my white mom bra, my saggy assed mom jeans, and a pair of comfy joe boxer underpants. This is me. This is who I am when Im not hiding in my clothes, trying to be someone I'm not. Hi, It's nice to meet you.

Do I have to look perfect naked? No. Do I ever expect to look good naked again? Well, no...not without the help of a surgeon and a lottery winning husband I don't. Should I feel comfortable enough to throw on a pair of jeans that sit right at the hip where they're meant to, a tshirt that just fits perfectly without a hoodie over or a tank top under? Shoudn't I feel comfortable enough to wear a pair of shorts for the first time in half a decade when it's hot out, rather than wearing dark blue jeans and making everyone stare? Yes, I should. So why don't I?

Life is always throwing me curveballs, and instead of attempting to hit them, I just keep avoiding them all together. My daughter was sick, I was sick, my husband was unemployed, my car was broken into, we live with my father in law, it's too cold, it's too hot, we're too poor, I don't have any friends, any money, any job, anything to my name, bitch bitch bitch bitch BITCH! I'm so tired of making excuses for myself. I'm so tired of telling everyone that I feel great when I don't. I'm tired of lying to myself, and I'm tired of lying to you.

We all have off days, weeks, hell even years. I've met plenty of people who have gone their entire life being big, and spend years losing the weight only to look fabulous. Could I look like that too? Sure I could, if I gave it 110%!! BUT I DONT. I give it 75% at best, and It has to be 100. I am working on changing my life, but it's a slow time consuming process. I'm doing the best that I can, but I need my best to be better. Sure, I'm being a little hard on myself, but let's face the facts here. My daughter is almost two years old, and after your first year postpartum I don't think the old "baby weight" excuse flies quite as easily as it once did.

So, here I am once again.....obsessing. I haven't been able to work out in two weeks. I haven't taken my daughter on a walk, we haven't gone outside. My bronchitis has made it hard to sleep, speak, and even eat. Her tonsillitis has improved, but now she has a cold so I can't even take her outside. I'm obsessing over this. I feel like I can't. I want to so badly, but I feel like I just can't. I need a positive attitude. I need a friend. I need adjusted. I need to help myself. It's time.

This week, I'm going to get better. My daughter is going to get better. We are going to go on walks at least three times a week. We are going to dance around the house when we want. We are GOING to get our asses away from technology for a while, and actually enjoy life. We're going to go to the park. We're going to get more sleep. We're going to eat just a little bit better. And we're going to try our best to have fun while mommy gets her work out in. Because, mommy can't afford to obsess anymore. Mommy needs to change her life for good.