Breaking Down.

This is a blog about mental/physical/emotional health.

Let me tell you a bit of a story. Actually, let me tell you several small random things and classify them as a story. Okay?

When I was eighteen years old I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1. I know that these days the phrase "bipolar" is used to classify someone who is being bitchy, but it's so much more than that. I was medicated for 2 years, and the day I realized I was taking 8 pills (medicine 3x a day, 4tranquelizers, and b/c) a day to live a 'normal' life, I stopped medicating. My therapist, medical management team, and friends all warned me it was a bad idea. I figured If I could live 18 years without knowing about it or being on medication, I could do it again. So, for the past nearly 4 years, I have proudly been medication free. (Although, to be safe my obgyn did prescribe me some medication while I was pregnant because I was at a high risk for postpartum depression.)

I had gotten really well at controlling my episodes. I'd gotten really well at stuffing my feelings down into my stomach as far as I could, and then putting food on top of them. I wasn't feeling particularly proud of my actions, but I knew they were working to keep me sane. Well-I thought they were working.. And then last night happened.

Last night, I had my first bipolar breakdown since August 2008. (When I was 7 months pregnant.) I tried to fight what I knew was coming, but it wasn't happening. I did my best to just let the feelings pass, but I could suddenly feel them building in my chest and throat. It's the hardest feeling in the world to explain to someone, so I won't really try. Just know, that it's a feeling you'd know if you'd ever had the misfortune of dealing with it. I felt like I had swallowed a handful of poison. My heart was racing, my head was spinning, I was breathing rapidly, and suddenly I panicked. I had to get up, I had to pace, I had to walk around the room. I had to make sure the doors were shut, the drawers were shut, I had to. I just had to. My husband asked me what was going on, because he luckily hasn't dealt with many of my episodes.

Something you should know is that I am greatly ashamed of my disorder. Not so much my disorder, as the difficult time I've had controlling it. My mind is taking over my body and making me do things I don't want to do. It's making me feel things I'd rather not feel. Worst of all, during an episode I suddenly crave the very isolation that has been depressing me to begin with.

I wanted to be in a small space so I decided to lay down on the floor between the wall and bed. My husband came over and sat down next to me. I realized that the past years worth of hiding, eating, hiding, eating, hiding, and eating my feelings were coming back to haunt me. I spent the next three hours crying to my husband. I kept my face covered with my hands the entire time, because I didn't want him to see the embarassment on my face. We had been having severe issues lately, and we tried to talk them out for the better part of the evening. (Actually, we were up until 2 am.)

When I felt my episode was wearing off, I just felt like the life had been drained out of me. It's a feeling like the one you get just before you get drunk. Your eyes dart but it feels like slow motion. It's just where everything seems louder, fuzzier, and slower. It's like a buzz without the drugs or alcohol. I hate it. And then, suddenly my body goes numb. I feel like a rock, I weight a thousand pounds, and I can no longer keep my eyes open. I laid down in bed next to my husband as he held me and apologized for not understanding how to help me. He held me close and told me how much he loved me. We drifted off to sleep.

I woke up today feeling horrible. I felt hungover, exhausted, and depressed. My husband realized that I needed some extra TLC and he let me nap for an hour and a half while he took care of the baby. We talked about everything that I had been biting my tongue about, and everything I had been stressing over. We came to the generalization that our marriage will not be able to live up to its full potential until the following things happen:
1. We go back to school
2. I get a job outside of the house (so I can make some friends, and help support us until he gets a full time job.)
3. We have to move away from this town. It sucks the life out of us.
4. We NEED our OWN place. I can no longer take the feelings of his father into consideration, because this arrangement is ruining our marriage. LITERALLY.
5. We need more us time.

With all of those thoughts in mind, we've set a plan in motion. We are planning on going to school online (sigh, how many times have you heard this? it'll happen when we know what town we're goin to live in) and then I'm goin to start looking for work when we get wherever it is we're going. Obviously, number three is covered. So, once we start working, and goin to school we'll set money aside for a down payment. We also discussed spending more time together. You all may or may not have noticed I've been offline more. I have been making an effort to spend more time with my family, and less time online. Sorry guys. That means less blogging, less chatting, but not less working out.

Okay, that's a lie. I haven't worked out this week much. I hurt my arm on Monday and I don't really know what I did. It was fine until Tuesday when I woke up and it suddenly felt like I destroyed my entire body. I wince in pain when I'm lifting my daughter, but I've been taking excedrin hoping that it will help. (It does briefly.)So today, as a compromise my husband took me to the mall for 2 hours, and we went to the park for an hour with the baby. That's 3 hours of slow paced walking. I just figure it's better than nothing. Tomorrow I will do my elliptical, and I'm really thinking about taking up running once I hit 185! We'll see.

I know this blog is random and unexpected, but the point is that I have to worry about taking care of myself first. I need to be mentally fit, as well as physically. It's taxing for anyone to think about weight loss all the time, but on top of that I live with my father in law, I am without a job, without a degree, without a car, and fully dependent on my husband. We are trying to fix all of those situations as they come, but its really difficult. I wish I could just work out to forget everything that was happening in my life, but it doesn't work that way. I am the sole care taker of my daughter 75% of the day. That means I can't just throw her in her room and go downstairs for 30 minutes. I can't work out during naptime, because the walls are so thin she can hear us. I have to improvise and do what I can, when I can.

For a while, I will be concentrating more on my mental and emotional well being. I will still be doing weight watchers, and taking care of myself in that aspect, but I can't work out as much as I'd like right now. I will try to get back on track next week, for now.......I need a break. Plus, what kind of mommy would I be if I were always tired and crabby and a little bit crazy??

And hey, you learned something new about me today. (well, most of you!) So, hopefully everything will work out and I won't have another crazy spell anytime soon. I hate them, and they make me feel icky. So, for now

HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY THOUGHTS PEOPLE!

Peace, Love, and Subway Sandwiches
<3 Sarah V. <3